Have you ever taken an aged client or your parent and the doctor or nurse refers them as sweetie or sugar or some other term of endearment?  I know the doctor is trying to show compassion and connection but the opposite often occurs.  It is a way of saying I don’t take you all that seriously and need to address you in a patronizing way, Seniors get offended by health care professionals who treat them like children.  A male doctor would not refer to a 36 year old female client as sweetie and he should not refer to an 83 year old female any differently.  It is the subtle use of words that convey a relationship that is not level.  The people we bring to their doctors might be frail and fearful but most are of sound mind and understand that they are being talked over.

I am suggesting to all of the well intentioned professional to refer to the elderly in a more respectful manner as Mr., or Mrs. or by their first name if they have a solid relationship.  Never ask the son in the room if the Mom is acting confused when the Mom is sitting right there. It feeds into their sense of hopelessness that their guardian or child is the only one that can be trusted with medical questions. There may be a time for such questions but they should be done outside of the presence of the patient.

You might order your eggs at a roadside diner and call the waitress sweetie, but you should never call an aged patient sweetie. They know as much about their condition as the doctor does and has seen more, like the ravages of war, life raising a family, and making tough decisions at work.  Always err on the side of treating our elders with respect.

Having practiced law in the area of Domestic Relations I can attest that the divorce rate among the elderly is increasing.  Divorce lawyers are seeing couples divorce after 30 years of marriage.  In the past year I have seen divorce after 48 years and one after 39.  In each instance the attorney and the family and possibly the guardian need to be aware of the effects of early dementia or early onset Alzheimer's as causes for the break-up.  It is popular for comedians to blame Viagra and it has come into play but most often it is the change in personalities that comes with the aging process that leads life partners to become unstable. 

I actually filed a guardianship action  that was thwarted by the wife when she hired an attorney who complained for divorce.  The divorce action trumped the guardianship sought by the husband and the very adult children each took sides. The reality was a bitter fight disposing of a lifetime of assets.  Throughout the process the mental illness of the wife was present but divorce courts are reluctant to pursue a request for a competency exam.  The facts must be extreme to derail a divorce by raising mental illness because of a stroke or dementia.

The other aspect of divorce for the guardian is that now guardians will see more and more of their wards come form a divorced background. Divorced rates plateaued in the 1980's and now linger just below 50 % but the entire social network is disrupted by  a divorce that might have occurred 20 or 30 years earlier.  Studies have shown that the relationship between children and their parents are effected by divorce. It is particularly true for father and their children.  So once where coresidence or in kind services from a child to an elderly in need parent might be the norm; in families of divorce the relationships that were frayed decades ago have a real-time impact for the guardian today.  It is one of the reasons guardins will note that the care of elderly falls into the care of strangers because the relationships that were relied upon in the past may have  been fractured by divorce.

It is important to understand the effect upon the family from a divorce that may have happened years earlier in understanding why the person needs help now.  And when confonted by a potential divorce in the present it is important that the professional understand that the dynamics leading to the dispute may have more to do with health.

At eGuardianship.com our clients are people that take care of other people. There is no higher calling. The genisis of this professsion can be found in the founding principle of every religion. And as our world moves us faster and faster and with greater and greater distance between us - technology can be part of the fabric that holds us together. It can be the means of communnication that allows us to make sure our mother is getting the best care or that a verteran is sure to have a home. Reporting on visits or reporting to a court are all done with binary precision.

I have had this debate over many years with friends. Some believe that as the world ages we grow apart. They see the world as tribal warfare, disconnected crimes and people simply tuned out. I believe the opposite. If we can find more common languages, our world shrinks. Math is universal. It is the basis for technology. It allows the foundation of the explosion of social networking. It allows a guardian in Alaska to check the medical records of her ward in a flash who was treated in Texas. It allows this blog. Technology is an unifying force.

And the people who are engaged in the most noble of professions will use it to bring their care closer to those who need it.

One of the most common issues someone caring for another comes across is what to do with a house full of property and most of it of dubious or unknown value. If your ward is under your control through a court order you may need to have a professional appraiser come to the house and place a value. If you are doing the work while the ward is still competent then you can take an option of trying to sell the property at auction. We have just created an online auction site for guardians that can be found at our home page www.eguardianship.com. Also you can contact an EBay seller or Amvets to do a pick up and make a donation to charity. But for the most part there are probably items of value that you don't recognize as such. Taking digital photos and listing them on the eguardianship auction site which can be linked back to your company's site can be enjoyable and reimbursable for you time. An accurate record is created which can also serve as an inventory of your ward's property. This comes in useful when ultimately providing an accounting to the court or to brothers and sister who believed there was more.

The hardest part is letting go. I know with my own mother who suffers from Parkinson's; holding onto property is equal to holding onto oneself. But there can be a cleansing and renewing factor in being part of the process. I think of it like feng shui for the home. The less physical clutter - the less mental clutter.

Aside from flat out taking someones money because they are incompetent and driven to the bank, the first choice of the thief is the power of attorney. Power of attorneys are recognized in every state and there is little to no regulation of its use. In most states the only time it is recorded is when real estate is being transferred.

There should be extreme caution given by any professional who drafts a power of attorney. Care should be taken to truly understand not only if the signor is competent, but is the person being coerced even if subtly.

As a lawyer I have seen power of attorneys given to care givers who might have come into the elderly person's life because they were hired. The constant contact with the person presents an opportunity for the caretaker to overstep their role. This is yet another good reason why family members should chose a person who is a registered guardian. It is a far better course of action to choose a stranger who is trained and bonded then checking the inventory at death to find out all the assets were depleted.

The power of attorney most often survives incompetency if drafted within the last 20 years. It is true that there is plenty of case law indicating that a person can not use a power of attorney for their own benefit, but that self dealing is usually not detectecd or discovered too late.

As part of planning for the care of your mother or father or other person who seems unable to handle their own finances becasue of mental or physical reasons a good start is to ask if there are any power of attorneys out there and better yet send a notice of revocation to all the banks the perosn might be doing business with.